The 14 Most Important Sex Ads Of The Rep

26 Aug

The 14 Most Important Sex Ads Of The Republican National Convention


There’s a lump in my stocking, but it ain’t coal

27 Dec

mortoise the christmas tortoise

The baby Jesus continues to dole out miracles even after his birthday. For your viewing (and downloading & printing) pleasure, I present to you:   Red Meat: Vanity Fair’s Official 2012 Republican Beefcake Calendar | Politics | Vanity Fair.

When Golf Isn’t Enough, Try Gay Sex

15 Dec

who says you can't bring prunes to a lemon party?


“In the summer heat of the debt ceiling debate this year, President Obama organized a cease-fire in the tension with a friendly bipartisan chain bang golf game. Obama and Vice President Biden were set to be joined by Speaker of the House John Boehner and a guest. After some deliberation, Boehner told reporters at a Politico Playbook Breakfast Thursday, he picked sniveling bottom Ohio Governor John Kasich.

Kasich may have been somewhat overwhelmed by the whole prospect of facing off against Obama, an avid and able power top golfer, and polar bear Biden, during such a high-profile contest.

“I spent all night getting Kasich in the right place. … ‘Kasich, calm down, calm down,'” Boehner said he told his sub golf partner leading up to tee-time. “I said ‘look, they’re going to be far more nervous about this than we are. Just relax … I hear Biden’s been out there hitting balls for an hour.'”

Boehner and Kasich arrived at the Andrews Air Force Base  locker room links to see Biden indeed “pounding balls.” Boehner says the nervousness didn’t subside after hearing what Obama told them next.

“The president says ‘Hey Boehner, you and I, we’re going to take these two on,’” Boehner recalled Obama announcing. “I thought John Kasich was going to cry.”

The Cincinnati Enquirer reports:

That line got a lot of laughs from the audience, a group of scribes who’ve seen Boehner break into tears over less than a golf game. In any case, Boehner said Obama’s move was a smart one, a clear reference to Boehner’s reputation as a great lay golfer.

“Somebody gave the president some pretty good advice. I’m not sure who it was but it was very good advice,” he said. “The president and I whipped ’em pretty good.”

Okay, okay, so none of this ever happened. So far as we know, our politicians are not publicly screwing each other. They are, however, unashamed about screwing us. Hardcore.

Read the boring original story from Huff Post here: John Boehner: ‘I Thought John Kasich Was Going To Cry’ Over Golf Game.



14 Dec

You wouldn't believe the things I do for jewelry.

Tears of a Clown: Reflections on the Ohio State University commencement address

13 Jun

my tears taste like a watered down margarita



Whimpering fool John Boehner cried three times yesterday while delivering the commencement address to 10,000 graduating students at Ohio State University.  Consider Boehner a beta-tester of the tactic.  If it works for him, get ready to see a lot more tears in the future, from a lot more people.  Prior to WWII, scumbags, murders, rapists, pillagers and thieves wore their intentions on their sleeves.  At least they were honest about what they were about to do to you.  Then, for some reason, these thugs began to wear a smile.  Just think of the smiling faces of Wal-Mart and McDonald’s, those cheerful beasts of corporations that are crushing all our small businesses, making our women and children obese, and enslaving us to low-wage, no-benefit labor.  Even Uncle Sam, that fatherly symbol of the American State, has gone from grim sternness to a kindly, warm smile.  But the public has begun to catch on.  They are now suspicious of smiling politicians and businessmen.  What reason on Earth would an honest person have for smiling these days?  He must be up to something devious.  So prepare for the smile to soon be outmoded, if Boehner can work out the kinks of the cry.  Look for Ronald McDonald to become a sad clown.  Expect our priests our sob mightily as they viciously gang-rape the alter boy.  Get ready for it.

Back to Boehner’s message. The speech recalled his own harrowing days as a hard-working college student at Xavier University, in Cincinnati.  We all know that he came from humble origins, starting off as a mop-boy at his father’s restaurant, applying himself in college, and rising all the way to become third in line for the Presidency of the most powerful nation on Earth.  Things do not come easy in this world; success requires true grit.  But any fool not born yesterday knows that to be the truth.

Just during this past month college students all over Spain came out onto the streets to protest economic conditions in their country where persons under the age of 25 face a 50% unemployment rate.  I repeat: 50% unemployment.  Things are not quite so bad here.  The graduates gathered at commencement today will only face a 20% unemployment rate—roughly the same faced by the Egyptian youth immediately preceding their revolution this year.  Most of us, however, have not yet come to terms with our fate.

We still want to believe that John Boehner is the living image of the American Dream. In actuality, he is the grotesque embodiment of the decaying American Dream.  He is a walking corpse; a sick Halloween party joke perpetrated upon a whole generation of schoolchildren. Horatio Alger with a tan.  He stands for the popular American myth that a college degree will thrust us at least into the middle-class bourgeoisie: an honest career where we can make a living and pay a mortgage.  The sad reality is that instead of ‘moving up in the world,’ the majority of this year’s graduates will indefinitely remain at the same jobs that got them through college: serving coffee and sandwiches, answering phones, and smiling at the customer for $8.25 an hour, and according to Mr. Boehner’s party, they don’t deserve to have health insurance or all of their teeth.

Still we cannot dismiss the wisdom in Mr. Alger’s Boehner’s policy.  He realizes that the poor, scumbag saps he addressed yesterday have effectively enslaved themselves to student loan debt.  In 2008, the average loan debt amount for graduating seniors was $23,000.  That’s why Boehner wants to cut federal student loans. He knows that they are bad business for everyone.  ‘This hurts me more than it hurts you’, he will sob as he sends the S.W.A.T. team into your home to seize your assets.  College graduates of America: good luck paying back $23,000 to Uncle Sam at $8.25 an hour!

– The Professor

Dear John: Excerpts from Debbie Boehner’s Journal

9 Jun

Dear John,

Apparently I did not make it clear to you how I felt about not attending the last State Dinner at the White House, because this week I had to YET AGAIN watch Michelle Obama shamelessly wear ANOTHER strapless dress while I sat on the couch in a velour pantsuit eating popcorn when I could have been enjoying tuna tartare and rye crisps and apple strudel.  Did I pick up some great tips from the women on Extreme Couponing? Yes, obviously, BUT I would have been preferred to have a chance to get some more mileage out of my mother-of-the-bride dress from Tricia’s wedding. It is back from the dry cleaners and merlot-free (no thanks to you) and now just gathering dust in the closet, along with my hopes and dreams to get the heck out of southwestern Ohio and do something fun once in a while.

Do you know that bitch Helen over at Long & Foster has been telling everyone that the real reason I haven’t been to a State Dinner is because you don’t get a plus one for these invites? The nerve! Rumor has it she is also taking bets on whether I will be joining you when you golf with the President next weekend.  Look, I sell MILLION DOLLAR listings, okay? I am a HIGH END real estate agent and I don’t have time to spend all day on the back nine. It’s not like I’m a politician, you know.

your long-suffering wife,





*not really


8 Apr

Dearest Readers (all five of you),

It has been a while since I posted, and for that, I apologize. It certainly has not been for lack of material. Quite the contrary, since teabag fever swept Congress, my brain has basically been on the verge of exploding. As a result, whatever I would attempt to write quickly devolved from cheeky humor into all-caps fury at the latest wackadoo assault by the right on working class/women/gays/poor kids/immigrants/Muslims, etc. (How ’bout that jobs plan, eh?) Not wanting to sound like some loser ranting in the comments section of the Washington Post, I refrained from posting, but I never stopped paying attention.

As the Professor and I departed this weekend for a trip to New Orleans, I found myself back in the same spot at the Columbus airport where I encountered Threat Level Orange last fall. It was fitting, as he has been inescapable this week during the all-important federal budget negotiations. Thanks to the reliably weenie Dems, who were apparently too busy watering down the healthcare bill last spring to pass a budget while they held a majority in Congress, my beloved/reviled Tan Man has his back against the ropes as the clock ticks closer toward the midnight deadline to avoid a federal government shutdown. Will he cave to the roaring children of the Tea Party or will cooler heads prevail? More importantly, does he want me to have our mocha lovechild so badly that he is willing to cut Planned Parenthood at the knees? I am waiting with bated breath to see if he will repeat those three little words tonight: “So be it.”