Tears of a Clown: Reflections on the Ohio State University commencement address

13 Jun

my tears taste like a watered down margarita



Whimpering fool John Boehner cried three times yesterday while delivering the commencement address to 10,000 graduating students at Ohio State University.  Consider Boehner a beta-tester of the tactic.  If it works for him, get ready to see a lot more tears in the future, from a lot more people.  Prior to WWII, scumbags, murders, rapists, pillagers and thieves wore their intentions on their sleeves.  At least they were honest about what they were about to do to you.  Then, for some reason, these thugs began to wear a smile.  Just think of the smiling faces of Wal-Mart and McDonald’s, those cheerful beasts of corporations that are crushing all our small businesses, making our women and children obese, and enslaving us to low-wage, no-benefit labor.  Even Uncle Sam, that fatherly symbol of the American State, has gone from grim sternness to a kindly, warm smile.  But the public has begun to catch on.  They are now suspicious of smiling politicians and businessmen.  What reason on Earth would an honest person have for smiling these days?  He must be up to something devious.  So prepare for the smile to soon be outmoded, if Boehner can work out the kinks of the cry.  Look for Ronald McDonald to become a sad clown.  Expect our priests our sob mightily as they viciously gang-rape the alter boy.  Get ready for it.

Back to Boehner’s message. The speech recalled his own harrowing days as a hard-working college student at Xavier University, in Cincinnati.  We all know that he came from humble origins, starting off as a mop-boy at his father’s restaurant, applying himself in college, and rising all the way to become third in line for the Presidency of the most powerful nation on Earth.  Things do not come easy in this world; success requires true grit.  But any fool not born yesterday knows that to be the truth.

Just during this past month college students all over Spain came out onto the streets to protest economic conditions in their country where persons under the age of 25 face a 50% unemployment rate.  I repeat: 50% unemployment.  Things are not quite so bad here.  The graduates gathered at commencement today will only face a 20% unemployment rate—roughly the same faced by the Egyptian youth immediately preceding their revolution this year.  Most of us, however, have not yet come to terms with our fate.

We still want to believe that John Boehner is the living image of the American Dream. In actuality, he is the grotesque embodiment of the decaying American Dream.  He is a walking corpse; a sick Halloween party joke perpetrated upon a whole generation of schoolchildren. Horatio Alger with a tan.  He stands for the popular American myth that a college degree will thrust us at least into the middle-class bourgeoisie: an honest career where we can make a living and pay a mortgage.  The sad reality is that instead of ‘moving up in the world,’ the majority of this year’s graduates will indefinitely remain at the same jobs that got them through college: serving coffee and sandwiches, answering phones, and smiling at the customer for $8.25 an hour, and according to Mr. Boehner’s party, they don’t deserve to have health insurance or all of their teeth.

Still we cannot dismiss the wisdom in Mr. Alger’s Boehner’s policy.  He realizes that the poor, scumbag saps he addressed yesterday have effectively enslaved themselves to student loan debt.  In 2008, the average loan debt amount for graduating seniors was $23,000.  That’s why Boehner wants to cut federal student loans. He knows that they are bad business for everyone.  ‘This hurts me more than it hurts you’, he will sob as he sends the S.W.A.T. team into your home to seize your assets.  College graduates of America: good luck paying back $23,000 to Uncle Sam at $8.25 an hour!

– The Professor


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