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Tears of a Clown: Reflections on the Ohio State University commencement address

13 Jun

my tears taste like a watered down margarita



Whimpering fool John Boehner cried three times yesterday while delivering the commencement address to 10,000 graduating students at Ohio State University.  Consider Boehner a beta-tester of the tactic.  If it works for him, get ready to see a lot more tears in the future, from a lot more people.  Prior to WWII, scumbags, murders, rapists, pillagers and thieves wore their intentions on their sleeves.  At least they were honest about what they were about to do to you.  Then, for some reason, these thugs began to wear a smile.  Just think of the smiling faces of Wal-Mart and McDonald’s, those cheerful beasts of corporations that are crushing all our small businesses, making our women and children obese, and enslaving us to low-wage, no-benefit labor.  Even Uncle Sam, that fatherly symbol of the American State, has gone from grim sternness to a kindly, warm smile.  But the public has begun to catch on.  They are now suspicious of smiling politicians and businessmen.  What reason on Earth would an honest person have for smiling these days?  He must be up to something devious.  So prepare for the smile to soon be outmoded, if Boehner can work out the kinks of the cry.  Look for Ronald McDonald to become a sad clown.  Expect our priests our sob mightily as they viciously gang-rape the alter boy.  Get ready for it.

Back to Boehner’s message. The speech recalled his own harrowing days as a hard-working college student at Xavier University, in Cincinnati.  We all know that he came from humble origins, starting off as a mop-boy at his father’s restaurant, applying himself in college, and rising all the way to become third in line for the Presidency of the most powerful nation on Earth.  Things do not come easy in this world; success requires true grit.  But any fool not born yesterday knows that to be the truth.

Just during this past month college students all over Spain came out onto the streets to protest economic conditions in their country where persons under the age of 25 face a 50% unemployment rate.  I repeat: 50% unemployment.  Things are not quite so bad here.  The graduates gathered at commencement today will only face a 20% unemployment rate—roughly the same faced by the Egyptian youth immediately preceding their revolution this year.  Most of us, however, have not yet come to terms with our fate.

We still want to believe that John Boehner is the living image of the American Dream. In actuality, he is the grotesque embodiment of the decaying American Dream.  He is a walking corpse; a sick Halloween party joke perpetrated upon a whole generation of schoolchildren. Horatio Alger with a tan.  He stands for the popular American myth that a college degree will thrust us at least into the middle-class bourgeoisie: an honest career where we can make a living and pay a mortgage.  The sad reality is that instead of ‘moving up in the world,’ the majority of this year’s graduates will indefinitely remain at the same jobs that got them through college: serving coffee and sandwiches, answering phones, and smiling at the customer for $8.25 an hour, and according to Mr. Boehner’s party, they don’t deserve to have health insurance or all of their teeth.

Still we cannot dismiss the wisdom in Mr. Alger’s Boehner’s policy.  He realizes that the poor, scumbag saps he addressed yesterday have effectively enslaved themselves to student loan debt.  In 2008, the average loan debt amount for graduating seniors was $23,000.  That’s why Boehner wants to cut federal student loans. He knows that they are bad business for everyone.  ‘This hurts me more than it hurts you’, he will sob as he sends the S.W.A.T. team into your home to seize your assets.  College graduates of America: good luck paying back $23,000 to Uncle Sam at $8.25 an hour!

– The Professor


Dear John: Excerpts from Debbie Boehner’s Journal

24 Jan

"Yeah, this happens a lot."


Dear John,

It was really great to have you home this weekend. . .  I guess.  Sure, it would have been nice to spend a little more time with you, but I have been doing the politician’s wife thing for a long time and I know that your constituents come first. And I know how important it is to your constituents that you find time to get free stuff at ball games.

How does the jacket fit, John? Do you love it? Well, I hope you and that jacket will be very happy together because I’ve just about HAD IT with you. Do you know how many women from West Chester, Ohio get invited to State Dinners at the White House? DO YOU? Just one. Thanks to you, she spent it at home on the couch watching reruns of Toddlers and Tiaras and trying to ignore media coverage of Michelle Obama’s upper arms. Honestly, would it kill her to wear something with sleeves? Showoff.

I’ll admit it, the last time we went to a State Dinner I was a little peeved at blowing $100 on a completely impractical article of clothing that I’ll probably never wear again. But you know what? It was completely worth it, because I got to meet the QUEEN of ENGLAND. I understand how special that is, John. DO YOU? Obviously you do not. Also, you obviously don’t know that SVU is my favorite Law & Order because a certain B.D. WONG was at the State Dinner.  Just think of it, while you were off getting refills, I could have been chatting with bilingual gay forensic psychiatrist Dr. George Huang! OH WELL.

I’m not looking forward to bleaching out the orange ring you left in the tub. Thanks for that. See you in a few weekends, jerk.

Your long-suffering wife,


[*not really]

Boehner to Obama: Kiss My Ash

19 Jan

Last year during the House debates on health care, John Boehner summed up the GOP’s Appetite for Obstruction with two words: “Hell no.” The  Sith Council Republican leadership has employed this laconic strategy at every available opportunity on both political and personal levels.  Their pattern of petulance was evident last week when, following the horrific events in Arizona, President Obama extended a personal invitation to Boehner to accompany him to the Tuscon memorial service on Air Force One. Boehner, who apparently has two Valencias dangling between his legs, responded with a polite, “Hell no.”

Look, maybe it was as simple as Boehner not wanting to be trapped on a cross-country flight full of Democrats without the sweet refuge of a cigarette break. Maybe Air Force One has a two drink max? Or worse, maybe it’s a dry flight? More likely, however, Boehner, was not about to abandon his duties at the GOP House retreat in Baltimore just because a colleague took a bullet to the brain.

It was surprising, however, to learn that Boehner turned down a state dinner invitation from President Obama – for the third time. Did I say Valencias? The man has grapefruits down there. GRAPEFRUITS, people.  To be fair, Mitch McConnell didn’t go either. Maybe the two of them declined just to piss off the sniveling Eric Cantor, who is chomping at the bit to promulgate his own relevance within the party (and did not receive an invite).

The last three state dinners have been for Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, Mexican President Felipe Calderon and, last night, President Hu Jintao of China. It is possible the pundits are reading into this a little much. India? Mexico? China? Perhaps he was just apprehensive about the cuisine and partying with black folks and foreigners.