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There’s a lump in my stocking, but it ain’t coal

27 Dec

mortoise the christmas tortoise

The baby Jesus continues to dole out miracles even after his birthday. For your viewing (and downloading & printing) pleasure, I present to you:   Red Meat: Vanity Fair’s Official 2012 Republican Beefcake Calendar | Politics | Vanity Fair.

When Golf Isn’t Enough, Try Gay Sex

15 Dec

who says you can't bring prunes to a lemon party?

 

“In the summer heat of the debt ceiling debate this year, President Obama organized a cease-fire in the tension with a friendly bipartisan chain bang golf game. Obama and Vice President Biden were set to be joined by Speaker of the House John Boehner and a guest. After some deliberation, Boehner told reporters at a Politico Playbook Breakfast Thursday, he picked sniveling bottom Ohio Governor John Kasich.

Kasich may have been somewhat overwhelmed by the whole prospect of facing off against Obama, an avid and able power top golfer, and polar bear Biden, during such a high-profile contest.

“I spent all night getting Kasich in the right place. … ‘Kasich, calm down, calm down,'” Boehner said he told his sub golf partner leading up to tee-time. “I said ‘look, they’re going to be far more nervous about this than we are. Just relax … I hear Biden’s been out there hitting balls for an hour.'”

Boehner and Kasich arrived at the Andrews Air Force Base  locker room links to see Biden indeed “pounding balls.” Boehner says the nervousness didn’t subside after hearing what Obama told them next.

“The president says ‘Hey Boehner, you and I, we’re going to take these two on,’” Boehner recalled Obama announcing. “I thought John Kasich was going to cry.”

The Cincinnati Enquirer reports:

That line got a lot of laughs from the audience, a group of scribes who’ve seen Boehner break into tears over less than a golf game. In any case, Boehner said Obama’s move was a smart one, a clear reference to Boehner’s reputation as a great lay golfer.

“Somebody gave the president some pretty good advice. I’m not sure who it was but it was very good advice,” he said. “The president and I whipped ’em pretty good.”

Okay, okay, so none of this ever happened. So far as we know, our politicians are not publicly screwing each other. They are, however, unashamed about screwing us. Hardcore.

Read the boring original story from Huff Post here: John Boehner: ‘I Thought John Kasich Was Going To Cry’ Over Golf Game.

GOVERNMENT HOOKER

8 Apr

Dearest Readers (all five of you),

It has been a while since I posted, and for that, I apologize. It certainly has not been for lack of material. Quite the contrary, since teabag fever swept Congress, my brain has basically been on the verge of exploding. As a result, whatever I would attempt to write quickly devolved from cheeky humor into all-caps fury at the latest wackadoo assault by the right on working class/women/gays/poor kids/immigrants/Muslims, etc. (How ’bout that jobs plan, eh?) Not wanting to sound like some loser ranting in the comments section of the Washington Post, I refrained from posting, but I never stopped paying attention.

As the Professor and I departed this weekend for a trip to New Orleans, I found myself back in the same spot at the Columbus airport where I encountered Threat Level Orange last fall. It was fitting, as he has been inescapable this week during the all-important federal budget negotiations. Thanks to the reliably weenie Dems, who were apparently too busy watering down the healthcare bill last spring to pass a budget while they held a majority in Congress, my beloved/reviled Tan Man has his back against the ropes as the clock ticks closer toward the midnight deadline to avoid a federal government shutdown. Will he cave to the roaring children of the Tea Party or will cooler heads prevail? More importantly, does he want me to have our mocha lovechild so badly that he is willing to cut Planned Parenthood at the knees? I am waiting with bated breath to see if he will repeat those three little words tonight: “So be it.”

SOTU: Boehner Cheers for Big Oil and Tax Cuts; Rolls Eyes at Poor Kids and Gays

26 Jan

From L to R: Porcelain, Caramel, Mahogany

One thing that I miss about living in DC is that events like the State of the Union Address are a great excuse to drink during the week socialize. It isn’t so much that everyone is deeply invested in politics, but we all know the players and it’s fun to watch with a crowd – kind of like sports for nerds.

Watching the State of the Union Address at home comes with its own advantages, however. My cats don’t mind that I yell at the tv (although I yell much less now that GW is gone). Plus, now I have the option of muting the volume and pretending I am seated across from John Boehner, who is forced to muster interest in whatever I say or do. Come on, I didn’t really do that but I might later tonight.

From my extensive creeping keen observation, I have noticed that Boehner has a quirk where he absentmindedly licks his lips in a lizard-y fashion. I believe this is something that subconsciously happens when he is bluffing. He tends to do it a lot during giving press conferences when lying through his teeth answering a question with an oft-repeated talking point. Whatever the connotation, it’s gross peculiar. Somebody close to him should have really pointed it out by now.

How I feel about being attracted to Republicans

Thanks to ol’ lizard lips, I learned that Boehner has three distinct types of claps: Perfunctory, Reluctant, and Genuine Approval.

The first, his Perfunctory Clap, is given with a deadpan  expression which connotes no emotion except polite respect. This rote applause accompanies anything along the lines of “Proud to be an American, buy American, and, USA is a-ok.”

When Boehner is visibly annoyed, but perhaps feels it would be in poor taste not to clap, he does the aforementioned lizard lick and waits a moment before offering a Reluctant Clap, which at times is so slow that it teeters on being sardonic.

The final, and most elusive, is the Clap of Genuine Approval, which is prefaced by the raising of both eyebrows, a slight head tilt, and a facial expression similar to that of a picky eater who just tried sushi for the first time and is surprised that they like it. (Orange roughy, perhaps? I keed, I keed.) Boehner bestowed this most gracious of gestures only three times during the President’s hour-long speech.

Tearwatch ’11 Continues NOW Continue reading

Thrill me, chill me, fulfill me, Creature of the Right

6 Jan

Although much has been written about Boehner since the mid-term elections, he is still a relatively new orange face to much of the general public.  Tonight citizens across this great nation get their first chance in 2011 to stare into the bleary blue eyes of its newest sweetheart Speaker of the House of Representatives.

A good deal of his CBS feature with Leslie Stahl in December was spent with him exploding with guilt tearing up literally every time he talked about anything. What a shame that folks are eager to write him off as a giant manbaby. As I can personally attest, in person, Boehner comes off like a swanky Foghorn Leghorn. So effortlessly charming was he during our brief encounter, that this fierce liberal found herself uncomfortably aroused nearly reconsidering her vote. There’s just something about that tan. . .

Brian Williams’ interview airs tonight at 6:30 p.m. on NBC. Expect plenty of Frank Luntz talking points and obligatory prodding about his tears. Of course, he probably won’t answer my most burning question. “do you have tan lines? if so, may i see them?”

To make things interesting, why not take a drink every time he says “job-killing?” I think JB would approve.

GOP Circlejerk televised, featuring Boehner’s “larger than most” gavel

5 Jan

If politics is “Hollywood for Uggos” then today was the People’s Choice Awards.  The first major red carpet event of the awards season, People’s Choice Awards are voted on by the American public and reflect the changing tides of our horrible taste popular culture. While last year’s Academy Award for Best Picture went to The Hurt Locker, the People’s Choice Award for Best Movie was. . . Twilight.  Similarly, the midterm elections serve as a finger on the diabetic erratic pulse of the American People.  Basically, what happened in November was that Obama’s base hit the snooze button while a bunch of angry white folks went to the polls and now the best movie of the year is WILD HOGS.

I had originally intended to debut this venture by liveblogging the Tea Party pep rally inaugural convening of the 112th Congress. That didn’t happen because: a) this platform is painfully new to me, and, b) Wonkette had it covered.  Besides, there’s no way I could have concentrated on typing while being mercilessly titillated by MSNBC waiting for Boehner to take center stage.

12:35 – tearwatch ’11 begins. do i spot a quivering lower lip?

12:38 – debbie boehner looks soaoo bored. i bet she’s been here for hours. she’d rather be combing the racks at Marshall’s, but who wouldn’t? JB’s daughters both have serious Pocahontas hair. maybe he isn’t lying about fake tanning after all.

digging the high school cafeteria atmosphere. boehner has to feel like the quarterback right now.  loathe him as i do, i’m actually happy for him.  this is no silver spoon situation. he emptied trash cans and mopped floors to get here (and he will TELL YOU every chance he gets). he got inside DC, then learned to play the game well enough to waddle his smoked hamhocks down that aisle to the speaker’s seat. 

they just said ten of his siblings arrived from ohio. . . by bus. shame. really, JB? you couldn’t get R.J. Reynolds to fly them in?

1:53 – whoo, nancy pelosi is gritting her teeth like whaaat. gurl, i hear you. don’t worry. he’ll be handing it back in another two years. it’ll be this fun inside joke that you guys can share.

1:57 – boehner looks like he wants a cigarette. look at them fidgety fingers.

oh he is piiiissed that Nancy is using this moment to talk about health care. “patient’s bill of rights” – clever.  you are one sly fox, pelosi. and goddamn if you aren’t the reason i have decided to wear more purple.

2:02 – JB is fighting back tears as Nancy introduces him and talks about his family. the more he quivers, the more i do! squeeee

o.m.g. debbie is, like, so over it. she seems annoyed to even be there. so are lindsay and tricia.

JB is frantically searching his pockets for a hankie. wipe, wipe, wipe. dab, dab, dab.

whoa! somebody’s got a big ol’ gavel. that thing is gonna look good in photographs. how typically middle-aged-white-dude of you to choose the enormous gavel that screams “my penis is tiny.”

there goes the awkward transfer of the gavel. polite cheek kiss. WTF – he shook her FINGERS! that is my handshaking pet peeve. men of the world: the goal is palm-to-palm contact.  don’t insult me with that fingershake.  i wonder if  that is driving her nuts? demand a re-shake! i would (and have).

2:04 – clutching his overcompensating sportscar gavel, JB starts his speech.

tearwatch 2011 continues. there’s more quivering and even some trembling, but we have yet to reach full on blubber. i know i am not alone in my disappointment.

2:05  – tearing up as he introduces his family. debbie is unmoved. she is probably pissed that after all this she is going to have to put up with JB’s miller lite swilling clan JUST AFTER she had to put up with their necky antics over the holidays.

JB throws a shout out to his dawgs! saxby chambliss, richard burr, tom latham, and sith lord mitch mcconnell

2:06 – i hate when you talk about ohio! she has done nothing but love you, and you treat her like a fat girl that you keep around for sex when nobody hotter will give it up. you’re never going to treat her better or cut her lose, just string her along with your endless bullshit promises.

um, please don’t toss out lines like “respecting individual liberty”while pulling off shit like this

2:11 –   JB has shifted into full-on Don Draper mode.  i could watch this swagger all day. he is out swinging now!  oooooh, i am positively weak at the knees from his take-charge brazenness.  so orange. . . so resolute. .  . so toppy. . . goddamn republicans. why couldn’t Dennis Kucinich come in a foxier package?

2:16 – swearing in oath. weird how his fingers are apart when he holds up his hand, no? maybe that’s his subtle way of evading accountability when he inevitably breaks his oath by selling out to enemies foreign or domestic (thanks, citizens united)

2:18 – looks like that’s the end of it. was that a quick nose wipe? come onnnnn tears! i wanna see those orange tears!  efff.