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There’s a lump in my stocking, but it ain’t coal

27 Dec

mortoise the christmas tortoise

The baby Jesus continues to dole out miracles even after his birthday. For your viewing (and downloading & printing) pleasure, I present to you:   Red Meat: Vanity Fair’s Official 2012 Republican Beefcake Calendar | Politics | Vanity Fair.



14 Dec

You wouldn't believe the things I do for jewelry.

Tears of a Clown: Reflections on the Ohio State University commencement address

13 Jun

my tears taste like a watered down margarita



Whimpering fool John Boehner cried three times yesterday while delivering the commencement address to 10,000 graduating students at Ohio State University.  Consider Boehner a beta-tester of the tactic.  If it works for him, get ready to see a lot more tears in the future, from a lot more people.  Prior to WWII, scumbags, murders, rapists, pillagers and thieves wore their intentions on their sleeves.  At least they were honest about what they were about to do to you.  Then, for some reason, these thugs began to wear a smile.  Just think of the smiling faces of Wal-Mart and McDonald’s, those cheerful beasts of corporations that are crushing all our small businesses, making our women and children obese, and enslaving us to low-wage, no-benefit labor.  Even Uncle Sam, that fatherly symbol of the American State, has gone from grim sternness to a kindly, warm smile.  But the public has begun to catch on.  They are now suspicious of smiling politicians and businessmen.  What reason on Earth would an honest person have for smiling these days?  He must be up to something devious.  So prepare for the smile to soon be outmoded, if Boehner can work out the kinks of the cry.  Look for Ronald McDonald to become a sad clown.  Expect our priests our sob mightily as they viciously gang-rape the alter boy.  Get ready for it.

Back to Boehner’s message. The speech recalled his own harrowing days as a hard-working college student at Xavier University, in Cincinnati.  We all know that he came from humble origins, starting off as a mop-boy at his father’s restaurant, applying himself in college, and rising all the way to become third in line for the Presidency of the most powerful nation on Earth.  Things do not come easy in this world; success requires true grit.  But any fool not born yesterday knows that to be the truth.

Just during this past month college students all over Spain came out onto the streets to protest economic conditions in their country where persons under the age of 25 face a 50% unemployment rate.  I repeat: 50% unemployment.  Things are not quite so bad here.  The graduates gathered at commencement today will only face a 20% unemployment rate—roughly the same faced by the Egyptian youth immediately preceding their revolution this year.  Most of us, however, have not yet come to terms with our fate.

We still want to believe that John Boehner is the living image of the American Dream. In actuality, he is the grotesque embodiment of the decaying American Dream.  He is a walking corpse; a sick Halloween party joke perpetrated upon a whole generation of schoolchildren. Horatio Alger with a tan.  He stands for the popular American myth that a college degree will thrust us at least into the middle-class bourgeoisie: an honest career where we can make a living and pay a mortgage.  The sad reality is that instead of ‘moving up in the world,’ the majority of this year’s graduates will indefinitely remain at the same jobs that got them through college: serving coffee and sandwiches, answering phones, and smiling at the customer for $8.25 an hour, and according to Mr. Boehner’s party, they don’t deserve to have health insurance or all of their teeth.

Still we cannot dismiss the wisdom in Mr. Alger’s Boehner’s policy.  He realizes that the poor, scumbag saps he addressed yesterday have effectively enslaved themselves to student loan debt.  In 2008, the average loan debt amount for graduating seniors was $23,000.  That’s why Boehner wants to cut federal student loans. He knows that they are bad business for everyone.  ‘This hurts me more than it hurts you’, he will sob as he sends the S.W.A.T. team into your home to seize your assets.  College graduates of America: good luck paying back $23,000 to Uncle Sam at $8.25 an hour!

– The Professor


8 Apr

Dearest Readers (all five of you),

It has been a while since I posted, and for that, I apologize. It certainly has not been for lack of material. Quite the contrary, since teabag fever swept Congress, my brain has basically been on the verge of exploding. As a result, whatever I would attempt to write quickly devolved from cheeky humor into all-caps fury at the latest wackadoo assault by the right on working class/women/gays/poor kids/immigrants/Muslims, etc. (How ’bout that jobs plan, eh?) Not wanting to sound like some loser ranting in the comments section of the Washington Post, I refrained from posting, but I never stopped paying attention.

As the Professor and I departed this weekend for a trip to New Orleans, I found myself back in the same spot at the Columbus airport where I encountered Threat Level Orange last fall. It was fitting, as he has been inescapable this week during the all-important federal budget negotiations. Thanks to the reliably weenie Dems, who were apparently too busy watering down the healthcare bill last spring to pass a budget while they held a majority in Congress, my beloved/reviled Tan Man has his back against the ropes as the clock ticks closer toward the midnight deadline to avoid a federal government shutdown. Will he cave to the roaring children of the Tea Party or will cooler heads prevail? More importantly, does he want me to have our mocha lovechild so badly that he is willing to cut Planned Parenthood at the knees? I am waiting with bated breath to see if he will repeat those three little words tonight: “So be it.”

Latest GOP Sexytime Scandal Surprises No One

10 Feb

By now you have likely read all about the latest salacious scandal to hit Capitol Hill. Representative Chris Lee (R-NY), married with a young son, got caught emailing a lady from Craigslist and sending her “sexy” photos of himself. The story broke yesterday and Lee has already resigned. In case you haven’t had a chance to read the boring juicy deets for yourself, Gawker has you covered.

Come on, Chris Lee.  Sending a face picture is a total amateur move. You’re an elected official, not some gay dude on Grindr. Some discretion must be exercised. Surely, you’ve picked up a few tips during your two years in DC? How shameful to have to resign without even getting to bang that chick.

If you’re curious about Mrs. Chris Lee, you can see her here. For more on Lee’s would-be lover, click here.

SOTU: Boehner Cheers for Big Oil and Tax Cuts; Rolls Eyes at Poor Kids and Gays

26 Jan

From L to R: Porcelain, Caramel, Mahogany

One thing that I miss about living in DC is that events like the State of the Union Address are a great excuse to drink during the week socialize. It isn’t so much that everyone is deeply invested in politics, but we all know the players and it’s fun to watch with a crowd – kind of like sports for nerds.

Watching the State of the Union Address at home comes with its own advantages, however. My cats don’t mind that I yell at the tv (although I yell much less now that GW is gone). Plus, now I have the option of muting the volume and pretending I am seated across from John Boehner, who is forced to muster interest in whatever I say or do. Come on, I didn’t really do that but I might later tonight.

From my extensive creeping keen observation, I have noticed that Boehner has a quirk where he absentmindedly licks his lips in a lizard-y fashion. I believe this is something that subconsciously happens when he is bluffing. He tends to do it a lot during giving press conferences when lying through his teeth answering a question with an oft-repeated talking point. Whatever the connotation, it’s gross peculiar. Somebody close to him should have really pointed it out by now.

How I feel about being attracted to Republicans

Thanks to ol’ lizard lips, I learned that Boehner has three distinct types of claps: Perfunctory, Reluctant, and Genuine Approval.

The first, his Perfunctory Clap, is given with a deadpan  expression which connotes no emotion except polite respect. This rote applause accompanies anything along the lines of “Proud to be an American, buy American, and, USA is a-ok.”

When Boehner is visibly annoyed, but perhaps feels it would be in poor taste not to clap, he does the aforementioned lizard lick and waits a moment before offering a Reluctant Clap, which at times is so slow that it teeters on being sardonic.

The final, and most elusive, is the Clap of Genuine Approval, which is prefaced by the raising of both eyebrows, a slight head tilt, and a facial expression similar to that of a picky eater who just tried sushi for the first time and is surprised that they like it. (Orange roughy, perhaps? I keed, I keed.) Boehner bestowed this most gracious of gestures only three times during the President’s hour-long speech.

Tearwatch ’11 Continues NOW Continue reading

GOP Circlejerk televised, featuring Boehner’s “larger than most” gavel

5 Jan

If politics is “Hollywood for Uggos” then today was the People’s Choice Awards.  The first major red carpet event of the awards season, People’s Choice Awards are voted on by the American public and reflect the changing tides of our horrible taste popular culture. While last year’s Academy Award for Best Picture went to The Hurt Locker, the People’s Choice Award for Best Movie was. . . Twilight.  Similarly, the midterm elections serve as a finger on the diabetic erratic pulse of the American People.  Basically, what happened in November was that Obama’s base hit the snooze button while a bunch of angry white folks went to the polls and now the best movie of the year is WILD HOGS.

I had originally intended to debut this venture by liveblogging the Tea Party pep rally inaugural convening of the 112th Congress. That didn’t happen because: a) this platform is painfully new to me, and, b) Wonkette had it covered.  Besides, there’s no way I could have concentrated on typing while being mercilessly titillated by MSNBC waiting for Boehner to take center stage.

12:35 – tearwatch ’11 begins. do i spot a quivering lower lip?

12:38 – debbie boehner looks soaoo bored. i bet she’s been here for hours. she’d rather be combing the racks at Marshall’s, but who wouldn’t? JB’s daughters both have serious Pocahontas hair. maybe he isn’t lying about fake tanning after all.

digging the high school cafeteria atmosphere. boehner has to feel like the quarterback right now.  loathe him as i do, i’m actually happy for him.  this is no silver spoon situation. he emptied trash cans and mopped floors to get here (and he will TELL YOU every chance he gets). he got inside DC, then learned to play the game well enough to waddle his smoked hamhocks down that aisle to the speaker’s seat. 

they just said ten of his siblings arrived from ohio. . . by bus. shame. really, JB? you couldn’t get R.J. Reynolds to fly them in?

1:53 – whoo, nancy pelosi is gritting her teeth like whaaat. gurl, i hear you. don’t worry. he’ll be handing it back in another two years. it’ll be this fun inside joke that you guys can share.

1:57 – boehner looks like he wants a cigarette. look at them fidgety fingers.

oh he is piiiissed that Nancy is using this moment to talk about health care. “patient’s bill of rights” – clever.  you are one sly fox, pelosi. and goddamn if you aren’t the reason i have decided to wear more purple.

2:02 – JB is fighting back tears as Nancy introduces him and talks about his family. the more he quivers, the more i do! squeeee

o.m.g. debbie is, like, so over it. she seems annoyed to even be there. so are lindsay and tricia.

JB is frantically searching his pockets for a hankie. wipe, wipe, wipe. dab, dab, dab.

whoa! somebody’s got a big ol’ gavel. that thing is gonna look good in photographs. how typically middle-aged-white-dude of you to choose the enormous gavel that screams “my penis is tiny.”

there goes the awkward transfer of the gavel. polite cheek kiss. WTF – he shook her FINGERS! that is my handshaking pet peeve. men of the world: the goal is palm-to-palm contact.  don’t insult me with that fingershake.  i wonder if  that is driving her nuts? demand a re-shake! i would (and have).

2:04 – clutching his overcompensating sportscar gavel, JB starts his speech.

tearwatch 2011 continues. there’s more quivering and even some trembling, but we have yet to reach full on blubber. i know i am not alone in my disappointment.

2:05  – tearing up as he introduces his family. debbie is unmoved. she is probably pissed that after all this she is going to have to put up with JB’s miller lite swilling clan JUST AFTER she had to put up with their necky antics over the holidays.

JB throws a shout out to his dawgs! saxby chambliss, richard burr, tom latham, and sith lord mitch mcconnell

2:06 – i hate when you talk about ohio! she has done nothing but love you, and you treat her like a fat girl that you keep around for sex when nobody hotter will give it up. you’re never going to treat her better or cut her lose, just string her along with your endless bullshit promises.

um, please don’t toss out lines like “respecting individual liberty”while pulling off shit like this

2:11 –   JB has shifted into full-on Don Draper mode.  i could watch this swagger all day. he is out swinging now!  oooooh, i am positively weak at the knees from his take-charge brazenness.  so orange. . . so resolute. .  . so toppy. . . goddamn republicans. why couldn’t Dennis Kucinich come in a foxier package?

2:16 – swearing in oath. weird how his fingers are apart when he holds up his hand, no? maybe that’s his subtle way of evading accountability when he inevitably breaks his oath by selling out to enemies foreign or domestic (thanks, citizens united)

2:18 – looks like that’s the end of it. was that a quick nose wipe? come onnnnn tears! i wanna see those orange tears!  efff.