Life Begins After Nine, Darling: RIP Jane Russell

1 Mar

Last night I risked death dusted off my stilettos to attend a fabulous Oscar party which is thrown annually by a dear friend and his partner. Perhaps it was the lovely ladies in vintage gowns, or perhaps it was because I was surrounded by the most concentrated number of gay men in evening attire I can account for in recent memory, but I woke up today with a nagging desire to watch Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. A favorite of mine growing up, it is conveniently available to watch instantly on Netflix. I laughed at the gags and sang along with nerdy delight, completely unaware that later in the evening news would break that screen siren Jane Russell had passed away.

After seeing this movie for the first time, I remember wondering why Marilyn Monroe’s face was plastered all over and feeling cheated that I had never heard of her co-star, the inimitable Ms. Russell. Always ready with an eyebrow raise or a mouthy comeback, her sassy attitude was as plentiful as her cleavage. I took note of how she wielded her sensuality in a sly, self-assured way: whereas Marilyn Monroe wiggled, Jane Russell prowled.

If you are gay or a brassy broad and you’ve never seen this movie: slap yourself or find someone to slap you, preferably with the back of their hand. Although this movie is most famous for “Diamonds Are a Girl’s Best Friend,” it also boasts a brilliant piece of classic homoerotic cinema in which Jane Russell struts around tanned, muscular men in tiny beige shorts who obviously could not care less that she’s looking for a good time. After unsuccessfully getting any of the men to pay attention to her, she pouts and winds up getting tossed in a pool. Then, to prove they are not total queens, the men pull her out of the water and somebody brings her a DRINK. Basically, it’s four years of my life condensed into three minutes and one fierce jumpsuit.


Latest GOP Sexytime Scandal Surprises No One

10 Feb

By now you have likely read all about the latest salacious scandal to hit Capitol Hill. Representative Chris Lee (R-NY), married with a young son, got caught emailing a lady from Craigslist and sending her “sexy” photos of himself. The story broke yesterday and Lee has already resigned. In case you haven’t had a chance to read the boring juicy deets for yourself, Gawker has you covered.

Come on, Chris Lee.  Sending a face picture is a total amateur move. You’re an elected official, not some gay dude on Grindr. Some discretion must be exercised. Surely, you’ve picked up a few tips during your two years in DC? How shameful to have to resign without even getting to bang that chick.

If you’re curious about Mrs. Chris Lee, you can see her here. For more on Lee’s would-be lover, click here.

SOTU: Boehner Cheers for Big Oil and Tax Cuts; Rolls Eyes at Poor Kids and Gays

26 Jan

From L to R: Porcelain, Caramel, Mahogany

One thing that I miss about living in DC is that events like the State of the Union Address are a great excuse to drink during the week socialize. It isn’t so much that everyone is deeply invested in politics, but we all know the players and it’s fun to watch with a crowd – kind of like sports for nerds.

Watching the State of the Union Address at home comes with its own advantages, however. My cats don’t mind that I yell at the tv (although I yell much less now that GW is gone). Plus, now I have the option of muting the volume and pretending I am seated across from John Boehner, who is forced to muster interest in whatever I say or do. Come on, I didn’t really do that but I might later tonight.

From my extensive creeping keen observation, I have noticed that Boehner has a quirk where he absentmindedly licks his lips in a lizard-y fashion. I believe this is something that subconsciously happens when he is bluffing. He tends to do it a lot during giving press conferences when lying through his teeth answering a question with an oft-repeated talking point. Whatever the connotation, it’s gross peculiar. Somebody close to him should have really pointed it out by now.

How I feel about being attracted to Republicans

Thanks to ol’ lizard lips, I learned that Boehner has three distinct types of claps: Perfunctory, Reluctant, and Genuine Approval.

The first, his Perfunctory Clap, is given with a deadpan  expression which connotes no emotion except polite respect. This rote applause accompanies anything along the lines of “Proud to be an American, buy American, and, USA is a-ok.”

When Boehner is visibly annoyed, but perhaps feels it would be in poor taste not to clap, he does the aforementioned lizard lick and waits a moment before offering a Reluctant Clap, which at times is so slow that it teeters on being sardonic.

The final, and most elusive, is the Clap of Genuine Approval, which is prefaced by the raising of both eyebrows, a slight head tilt, and a facial expression similar to that of a picky eater who just tried sushi for the first time and is surprised that they like it. (Orange roughy, perhaps? I keed, I keed.) Boehner bestowed this most gracious of gestures only three times during the President’s hour-long speech.

Tearwatch ’11 Continues NOW Continue reading

Boehner’s State of the Union Drinking Game

25 Jan

it's always five o'clock somewhere


Speaker of the House John Boehner has been oiled and buffed to a sheen and is ready for his closeup, sitting behind President Obama during tonight’s State of the Union Address, airing at 9pm eastern standard time.  The best part about his new assigned seat is that he didn’t have to scurry around looking for a lousy Democrat to sit with.

As opposed to some others, the rules of this game are easy. During tonight’s State of the Union address, do what Boehner would be doing if he wasn’t going to be on camera all night:  Drink! Anything goes, but you get extra points for Merlot. (Okay, so it’s not much of a game.)

Don’t forget to pour a little out for your boy, America! While you’re at it, have a smoke, because right about now he’d probably really like one of those too.

Dear John: Excerpts from Debbie Boehner’s Journal

24 Jan

"Yeah, this happens a lot."


Dear John,

It was really great to have you home this weekend. . .  I guess.  Sure, it would have been nice to spend a little more time with you, but I have been doing the politician’s wife thing for a long time and I know that your constituents come first. And I know how important it is to your constituents that you find time to get free stuff at ball games.

How does the jacket fit, John? Do you love it? Well, I hope you and that jacket will be very happy together because I’ve just about HAD IT with you. Do you know how many women from West Chester, Ohio get invited to State Dinners at the White House? DO YOU? Just one. Thanks to you, she spent it at home on the couch watching reruns of Toddlers and Tiaras and trying to ignore media coverage of Michelle Obama’s upper arms. Honestly, would it kill her to wear something with sleeves? Showoff.

I’ll admit it, the last time we went to a State Dinner I was a little peeved at blowing $100 on a completely impractical article of clothing that I’ll probably never wear again. But you know what? It was completely worth it, because I got to meet the QUEEN of ENGLAND. I understand how special that is, John. DO YOU? Obviously you do not. Also, you obviously don’t know that SVU is my favorite Law & Order because a certain B.D. WONG was at the State Dinner.  Just think of it, while you were off getting refills, I could have been chatting with bilingual gay forensic psychiatrist Dr. George Huang! OH WELL.

I’m not looking forward to bleaching out the orange ring you left in the tub. Thanks for that. See you in a few weekends, jerk.

Your long-suffering wife,


[*not really]

Obama Examines Boehner’s New Tanning Bed at GE Factory

23 Jan

Too good not to share! Courtesy of Daily Intel

President Obama Examines John Boehner’s New Tanning Bed at GE Factory

Boehner to Obama: Kiss My Ash

19 Jan

Last year during the House debates on health care, John Boehner summed up the GOP’s Appetite for Obstruction with two words: “Hell no.” The  Sith Council Republican leadership has employed this laconic strategy at every available opportunity on both political and personal levels.  Their pattern of petulance was evident last week when, following the horrific events in Arizona, President Obama extended a personal invitation to Boehner to accompany him to the Tuscon memorial service on Air Force One. Boehner, who apparently has two Valencias dangling between his legs, responded with a polite, “Hell no.”

Look, maybe it was as simple as Boehner not wanting to be trapped on a cross-country flight full of Democrats without the sweet refuge of a cigarette break. Maybe Air Force One has a two drink max? Or worse, maybe it’s a dry flight? More likely, however, Boehner, was not about to abandon his duties at the GOP House retreat in Baltimore just because a colleague took a bullet to the brain.

It was surprising, however, to learn that Boehner turned down a state dinner invitation from President Obama – for the third time. Did I say Valencias? The man has grapefruits down there. GRAPEFRUITS, people.  To be fair, Mitch McConnell didn’t go either. Maybe the two of them declined just to piss off the sniveling Eric Cantor, who is chomping at the bit to promulgate his own relevance within the party (and did not receive an invite).

The last three state dinners have been for Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh, Mexican President Felipe Calderon and, last night, President Hu Jintao of China. It is possible the pundits are reading into this a little much. India? Mexico? China? Perhaps he was just apprehensive about the cuisine and partying with black folks and foreigners.