Tag Archives: Congress

There’s a lump in my stocking, but it ain’t coal

27 Dec

mortoise the christmas tortoise

The baby Jesus continues to dole out miracles even after his birthday. For your viewing (and downloading & printing) pleasure, I present to you:   Red Meat: Vanity Fair’s Official 2012 Republican Beefcake Calendar | Politics | Vanity Fair.

When Golf Isn’t Enough, Try Gay Sex

15 Dec

who says you can't bring prunes to a lemon party?

 

“In the summer heat of the debt ceiling debate this year, President Obama organized a cease-fire in the tension with a friendly bipartisan chain bang golf game. Obama and Vice President Biden were set to be joined by Speaker of the House John Boehner and a guest. After some deliberation, Boehner told reporters at a Politico Playbook Breakfast Thursday, he picked sniveling bottom Ohio Governor John Kasich.

Kasich may have been somewhat overwhelmed by the whole prospect of facing off against Obama, an avid and able power top golfer, and polar bear Biden, during such a high-profile contest.

“I spent all night getting Kasich in the right place. … ‘Kasich, calm down, calm down,'” Boehner said he told his sub golf partner leading up to tee-time. “I said ‘look, they’re going to be far more nervous about this than we are. Just relax … I hear Biden’s been out there hitting balls for an hour.'”

Boehner and Kasich arrived at the Andrews Air Force Base  locker room links to see Biden indeed “pounding balls.” Boehner says the nervousness didn’t subside after hearing what Obama told them next.

“The president says ‘Hey Boehner, you and I, we’re going to take these two on,’” Boehner recalled Obama announcing. “I thought John Kasich was going to cry.”

The Cincinnati Enquirer reports:

That line got a lot of laughs from the audience, a group of scribes who’ve seen Boehner break into tears over less than a golf game. In any case, Boehner said Obama’s move was a smart one, a clear reference to Boehner’s reputation as a great lay golfer.

“Somebody gave the president some pretty good advice. I’m not sure who it was but it was very good advice,” he said. “The president and I whipped ’em pretty good.”

Okay, okay, so none of this ever happened. So far as we know, our politicians are not publicly screwing each other. They are, however, unashamed about screwing us. Hardcore.

Read the boring original story from Huff Post here: John Boehner: ‘I Thought John Kasich Was Going To Cry’ Over Golf Game.

Latest GOP Sexytime Scandal Surprises No One

10 Feb

By now you have likely read all about the latest salacious scandal to hit Capitol Hill. Representative Chris Lee (R-NY), married with a young son, got caught emailing a lady from Craigslist and sending her “sexy” photos of himself. The story broke yesterday and Lee has already resigned. In case you haven’t had a chance to read the boring juicy deets for yourself, Gawker has you covered.

Come on, Chris Lee.  Sending a face picture is a total amateur move. You’re an elected official, not some gay dude on Grindr. Some discretion must be exercised. Surely, you’ve picked up a few tips during your two years in DC? How shameful to have to resign without even getting to bang that chick.

If you’re curious about Mrs. Chris Lee, you can see her here. For more on Lee’s would-be lover, click here.

GOP Circlejerk televised, featuring Boehner’s “larger than most” gavel

5 Jan

If politics is “Hollywood for Uggos” then today was the People’s Choice Awards.  The first major red carpet event of the awards season, People’s Choice Awards are voted on by the American public and reflect the changing tides of our horrible taste popular culture. While last year’s Academy Award for Best Picture went to The Hurt Locker, the People’s Choice Award for Best Movie was. . . Twilight.  Similarly, the midterm elections serve as a finger on the diabetic erratic pulse of the American People.  Basically, what happened in November was that Obama’s base hit the snooze button while a bunch of angry white folks went to the polls and now the best movie of the year is WILD HOGS.

I had originally intended to debut this venture by liveblogging the Tea Party pep rally inaugural convening of the 112th Congress. That didn’t happen because: a) this platform is painfully new to me, and, b) Wonkette had it covered.  Besides, there’s no way I could have concentrated on typing while being mercilessly titillated by MSNBC waiting for Boehner to take center stage.

12:35 – tearwatch ’11 begins. do i spot a quivering lower lip?

12:38 – debbie boehner looks soaoo bored. i bet she’s been here for hours. she’d rather be combing the racks at Marshall’s, but who wouldn’t? JB’s daughters both have serious Pocahontas hair. maybe he isn’t lying about fake tanning after all.

digging the high school cafeteria atmosphere. boehner has to feel like the quarterback right now.  loathe him as i do, i’m actually happy for him.  this is no silver spoon situation. he emptied trash cans and mopped floors to get here (and he will TELL YOU every chance he gets). he got inside DC, then learned to play the game well enough to waddle his smoked hamhocks down that aisle to the speaker’s seat. 

they just said ten of his siblings arrived from ohio. . . by bus. shame. really, JB? you couldn’t get R.J. Reynolds to fly them in?

1:53 – whoo, nancy pelosi is gritting her teeth like whaaat. gurl, i hear you. don’t worry. he’ll be handing it back in another two years. it’ll be this fun inside joke that you guys can share.

1:57 – boehner looks like he wants a cigarette. look at them fidgety fingers.

oh he is piiiissed that Nancy is using this moment to talk about health care. “patient’s bill of rights” – clever.  you are one sly fox, pelosi. and goddamn if you aren’t the reason i have decided to wear more purple.

2:02 – JB is fighting back tears as Nancy introduces him and talks about his family. the more he quivers, the more i do! squeeee

o.m.g. debbie is, like, so over it. she seems annoyed to even be there. so are lindsay and tricia.

JB is frantically searching his pockets for a hankie. wipe, wipe, wipe. dab, dab, dab.

whoa! somebody’s got a big ol’ gavel. that thing is gonna look good in photographs. how typically middle-aged-white-dude of you to choose the enormous gavel that screams “my penis is tiny.”

there goes the awkward transfer of the gavel. polite cheek kiss. WTF – he shook her FINGERS! that is my handshaking pet peeve. men of the world: the goal is palm-to-palm contact.  don’t insult me with that fingershake.  i wonder if  that is driving her nuts? demand a re-shake! i would (and have).

2:04 – clutching his overcompensating sportscar gavel, JB starts his speech.

tearwatch 2011 continues. there’s more quivering and even some trembling, but we have yet to reach full on blubber. i know i am not alone in my disappointment.

2:05  – tearing up as he introduces his family. debbie is unmoved. she is probably pissed that after all this she is going to have to put up with JB’s miller lite swilling clan JUST AFTER she had to put up with their necky antics over the holidays.

JB throws a shout out to his dawgs! saxby chambliss, richard burr, tom latham, and sith lord mitch mcconnell

2:06 – i hate when you talk about ohio! she has done nothing but love you, and you treat her like a fat girl that you keep around for sex when nobody hotter will give it up. you’re never going to treat her better or cut her lose, just string her along with your endless bullshit promises.

um, please don’t toss out lines like “respecting individual liberty”while pulling off shit like this

2:11 –   JB has shifted into full-on Don Draper mode.  i could watch this swagger all day. he is out swinging now!  oooooh, i am positively weak at the knees from his take-charge brazenness.  so orange. . . so resolute. .  . so toppy. . . goddamn republicans. why couldn’t Dennis Kucinich come in a foxier package?

2:16 – swearing in oath. weird how his fingers are apart when he holds up his hand, no? maybe that’s his subtle way of evading accountability when he inevitably breaks his oath by selling out to enemies foreign or domestic (thanks, citizens united)

2:18 – looks like that’s the end of it. was that a quick nose wipe? come onnnnn tears! i wanna see those orange tears!  efff.