Tag Archives: Gavel

GOP Circlejerk televised, featuring Boehner’s “larger than most” gavel

5 Jan

If politics is “Hollywood for Uggos” then today was the People’s Choice Awards.  The first major red carpet event of the awards season, People’s Choice Awards are voted on by the American public and reflect the changing tides of our horrible taste popular culture. While last year’s Academy Award for Best Picture went to The Hurt Locker, the People’s Choice Award for Best Movie was. . . Twilight.  Similarly, the midterm elections serve as a finger on the diabetic erratic pulse of the American People.  Basically, what happened in November was that Obama’s base hit the snooze button while a bunch of angry white folks went to the polls and now the best movie of the year is WILD HOGS.

I had originally intended to debut this venture by liveblogging the Tea Party pep rally inaugural convening of the 112th Congress. That didn’t happen because: a) this platform is painfully new to me, and, b) Wonkette had it covered.  Besides, there’s no way I could have concentrated on typing while being mercilessly titillated by MSNBC waiting for Boehner to take center stage.

12:35 – tearwatch ’11 begins. do i spot a quivering lower lip?

12:38 – debbie boehner looks soaoo bored. i bet she’s been here for hours. she’d rather be combing the racks at Marshall’s, but who wouldn’t? JB’s daughters both have serious Pocahontas hair. maybe he isn’t lying about fake tanning after all.

digging the high school cafeteria atmosphere. boehner has to feel like the quarterback right now.  loathe him as i do, i’m actually happy for him.  this is no silver spoon situation. he emptied trash cans and mopped floors to get here (and he will TELL YOU every chance he gets). he got inside DC, then learned to play the game well enough to waddle his smoked hamhocks down that aisle to the speaker’s seat. 

they just said ten of his siblings arrived from ohio. . . by bus. shame. really, JB? you couldn’t get R.J. Reynolds to fly them in?

1:53 – whoo, nancy pelosi is gritting her teeth like whaaat. gurl, i hear you. don’t worry. he’ll be handing it back in another two years. it’ll be this fun inside joke that you guys can share.

1:57 – boehner looks like he wants a cigarette. look at them fidgety fingers.

oh he is piiiissed that Nancy is using this moment to talk about health care. “patient’s bill of rights” – clever.  you are one sly fox, pelosi. and goddamn if you aren’t the reason i have decided to wear more purple.

2:02 – JB is fighting back tears as Nancy introduces him and talks about his family. the more he quivers, the more i do! squeeee

o.m.g. debbie is, like, so over it. she seems annoyed to even be there. so are lindsay and tricia.

JB is frantically searching his pockets for a hankie. wipe, wipe, wipe. dab, dab, dab.

whoa! somebody’s got a big ol’ gavel. that thing is gonna look good in photographs. how typically middle-aged-white-dude of you to choose the enormous gavel that screams “my penis is tiny.”

there goes the awkward transfer of the gavel. polite cheek kiss. WTF – he shook her FINGERS! that is my handshaking pet peeve. men of the world: the goal is palm-to-palm contact.  don’t insult me with that fingershake.  i wonder if  that is driving her nuts? demand a re-shake! i would (and have).

2:04 – clutching his overcompensating sportscar gavel, JB starts his speech.

tearwatch 2011 continues. there’s more quivering and even some trembling, but we have yet to reach full on blubber. i know i am not alone in my disappointment.

2:05  – tearing up as he introduces his family. debbie is unmoved. she is probably pissed that after all this she is going to have to put up with JB’s miller lite swilling clan JUST AFTER she had to put up with their necky antics over the holidays.

JB throws a shout out to his dawgs! saxby chambliss, richard burr, tom latham, and sith lord mitch mcconnell

2:06 – i hate when you talk about ohio! she has done nothing but love you, and you treat her like a fat girl that you keep around for sex when nobody hotter will give it up. you’re never going to treat her better or cut her lose, just string her along with your endless bullshit promises.

um, please don’t toss out lines like “respecting individual liberty”while pulling off shit like this

2:11 –   JB has shifted into full-on Don Draper mode.  i could watch this swagger all day. he is out swinging now!  oooooh, i am positively weak at the knees from his take-charge brazenness.  so orange. . . so resolute. .  . so toppy. . . goddamn republicans. why couldn’t Dennis Kucinich come in a foxier package?

2:16 – swearing in oath. weird how his fingers are apart when he holds up his hand, no? maybe that’s his subtle way of evading accountability when he inevitably breaks his oath by selling out to enemies foreign or domestic (thanks, citizens united)

2:18 – looks like that’s the end of it. was that a quick nose wipe? come onnnnn tears! i wanna see those orange tears!  efff.