Tag Archives: Speaker

SOTU: Boehner Cheers for Big Oil and Tax Cuts; Rolls Eyes at Poor Kids and Gays

26 Jan

From L to R: Porcelain, Caramel, Mahogany

One thing that I miss about living in DC is that events like the State of the Union Address are a great excuse to drink during the week socialize. It isn’t so much that everyone is deeply invested in politics, but we all know the players and it’s fun to watch with a crowd – kind of like sports for nerds.

Watching the State of the Union Address at home comes with its own advantages, however. My cats don’t mind that I yell at the tv (although I yell much less now that GW is gone). Plus, now I have the option of muting the volume and pretending I am seated across from John Boehner, who is forced to muster interest in whatever I say or do. Come on, I didn’t really do that but I might later tonight.

From my extensive creeping keen observation, I have noticed that Boehner has a quirk where he absentmindedly licks his lips in a lizard-y fashion. I believe this is something that subconsciously happens when he is bluffing. He tends to do it a lot during giving press conferences when lying through his teeth answering a question with an oft-repeated talking point. Whatever the connotation, it’s gross peculiar. Somebody close to him should have really pointed it out by now.

How I feel about being attracted to Republicans

Thanks to ol’ lizard lips, I learned that Boehner has three distinct types of claps: Perfunctory, Reluctant, and Genuine Approval.

The first, his Perfunctory Clap, is given with a deadpan  expression which connotes no emotion except polite respect. This rote applause accompanies anything along the lines of “Proud to be an American, buy American, and, USA is a-ok.”

When Boehner is visibly annoyed, but perhaps feels it would be in poor taste not to clap, he does the aforementioned lizard lick and waits a moment before offering a Reluctant Clap, which at times is so slow that it teeters on being sardonic.

The final, and most elusive, is the Clap of Genuine Approval, which is prefaced by the raising of both eyebrows, a slight head tilt, and a facial expression similar to that of a picky eater who just tried sushi for the first time and is surprised that they like it. (Orange roughy, perhaps? I keed, I keed.) Boehner bestowed this most gracious of gestures only three times during the President’s hour-long speech.

Tearwatch ’11 Continues NOW Continue reading

Boehner’s State of the Union Drinking Game

25 Jan

it's always five o'clock somewhere

 

Speaker of the House John Boehner has been oiled and buffed to a sheen and is ready for his closeup, sitting behind President Obama during tonight’s State of the Union Address, airing at 9pm eastern standard time.  The best part about his new assigned seat is that he didn’t have to scurry around looking for a lousy Democrat to sit with.

As opposed to some others, the rules of this game are easy. During tonight’s State of the Union address, do what Boehner would be doing if he wasn’t going to be on camera all night:  Drink! Anything goes, but you get extra points for Merlot. (Okay, so it’s not much of a game.)

Don’t forget to pour a little out for your boy, America! While you’re at it, have a smoke, because right about now he’d probably really like one of those too.

GOP Circlejerk televised, featuring Boehner’s “larger than most” gavel

5 Jan

If politics is “Hollywood for Uggos” then today was the People’s Choice Awards.  The first major red carpet event of the awards season, People’s Choice Awards are voted on by the American public and reflect the changing tides of our horrible taste popular culture. While last year’s Academy Award for Best Picture went to The Hurt Locker, the People’s Choice Award for Best Movie was. . . Twilight.  Similarly, the midterm elections serve as a finger on the diabetic erratic pulse of the American People.  Basically, what happened in November was that Obama’s base hit the snooze button while a bunch of angry white folks went to the polls and now the best movie of the year is WILD HOGS.

I had originally intended to debut this venture by liveblogging the Tea Party pep rally inaugural convening of the 112th Congress. That didn’t happen because: a) this platform is painfully new to me, and, b) Wonkette had it covered.  Besides, there’s no way I could have concentrated on typing while being mercilessly titillated by MSNBC waiting for Boehner to take center stage.

12:35 – tearwatch ’11 begins. do i spot a quivering lower lip?

12:38 – debbie boehner looks soaoo bored. i bet she’s been here for hours. she’d rather be combing the racks at Marshall’s, but who wouldn’t? JB’s daughters both have serious Pocahontas hair. maybe he isn’t lying about fake tanning after all.

digging the high school cafeteria atmosphere. boehner has to feel like the quarterback right now.  loathe him as i do, i’m actually happy for him.  this is no silver spoon situation. he emptied trash cans and mopped floors to get here (and he will TELL YOU every chance he gets). he got inside DC, then learned to play the game well enough to waddle his smoked hamhocks down that aisle to the speaker’s seat. 

they just said ten of his siblings arrived from ohio. . . by bus. shame. really, JB? you couldn’t get R.J. Reynolds to fly them in?

1:53 – whoo, nancy pelosi is gritting her teeth like whaaat. gurl, i hear you. don’t worry. he’ll be handing it back in another two years. it’ll be this fun inside joke that you guys can share.

1:57 – boehner looks like he wants a cigarette. look at them fidgety fingers.

oh he is piiiissed that Nancy is using this moment to talk about health care. “patient’s bill of rights” – clever.  you are one sly fox, pelosi. and goddamn if you aren’t the reason i have decided to wear more purple.

2:02 – JB is fighting back tears as Nancy introduces him and talks about his family. the more he quivers, the more i do! squeeee

o.m.g. debbie is, like, so over it. she seems annoyed to even be there. so are lindsay and tricia.

JB is frantically searching his pockets for a hankie. wipe, wipe, wipe. dab, dab, dab.

whoa! somebody’s got a big ol’ gavel. that thing is gonna look good in photographs. how typically middle-aged-white-dude of you to choose the enormous gavel that screams “my penis is tiny.”

there goes the awkward transfer of the gavel. polite cheek kiss. WTF – he shook her FINGERS! that is my handshaking pet peeve. men of the world: the goal is palm-to-palm contact.  don’t insult me with that fingershake.  i wonder if  that is driving her nuts? demand a re-shake! i would (and have).

2:04 – clutching his overcompensating sportscar gavel, JB starts his speech.

tearwatch 2011 continues. there’s more quivering and even some trembling, but we have yet to reach full on blubber. i know i am not alone in my disappointment.

2:05  – tearing up as he introduces his family. debbie is unmoved. she is probably pissed that after all this she is going to have to put up with JB’s miller lite swilling clan JUST AFTER she had to put up with their necky antics over the holidays.

JB throws a shout out to his dawgs! saxby chambliss, richard burr, tom latham, and sith lord mitch mcconnell

2:06 – i hate when you talk about ohio! she has done nothing but love you, and you treat her like a fat girl that you keep around for sex when nobody hotter will give it up. you’re never going to treat her better or cut her lose, just string her along with your endless bullshit promises.

um, please don’t toss out lines like “respecting individual liberty”while pulling off shit like this

2:11 –   JB has shifted into full-on Don Draper mode.  i could watch this swagger all day. he is out swinging now!  oooooh, i am positively weak at the knees from his take-charge brazenness.  so orange. . . so resolute. .  . so toppy. . . goddamn republicans. why couldn’t Dennis Kucinich come in a foxier package?

2:16 – swearing in oath. weird how his fingers are apart when he holds up his hand, no? maybe that’s his subtle way of evading accountability when he inevitably breaks his oath by selling out to enemies foreign or domestic (thanks, citizens united)

2:18 – looks like that’s the end of it. was that a quick nose wipe? come onnnnn tears! i wanna see those orange tears!  efff.